Writings of the Past
by Torg84
Summary: Joker stumbles across fanficiton. Oh, the wonders that follow...


MASS EFFECT 2:

Writings From the Past

{A/N: What can I say? _My Immortal: A Harry Potter Fanfiction _has got to be my favorite books (yes, it was actually made into a book. You can buy it on if you want) that has ever come into writing in the history of the universe. I'm also an up and coming _Mass Effect_ series fan.

We, as human beings, feel a need to read back into our past hundreds of thousands of years, right? So, of course, humans thousands of years from now will feel the need to do so as well. And what have we got left for them to see? Well, I know what **I** would want to read if I was Joker sitting in a cockpit all by myself with nothing but EDI to talk to...

That's right...awful fanfiction...}

_" 'Space...' says the introduction to the Hitchhikers Guide, '...is big. Really big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the road to the market, but that's just peanuts compared to space...' and so on."_

"Yeah, you can say that again," Joker grumbled, flipping through the holo logs of some of the old human remains Cerberus had access to.

Joker took pride in his job as pilot to both the original and new _Normandy_. Mostly because it was under the command of the best commander there ever lived: Commander Eliza Shepherd. Still, when rest hours fell upon the ship, the young, crippled pilot had found rummaging through the non-important files of Cerberus was better than sitting and fighting with EDI, the AI of the ship.

He had just started reading _A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy _and had already grown bored with it. He did however, like the song that came along with the file: _So Long & Thanks for All the Fish_. Apparently it was on the soundtrack when the book was turned into a holovid. It was a funny and ironic song and he would find himself humming it.

Joker leaned back in his soft, _so comfortable_, and wonderful leather seat and yawned. He would be going to bed soon, but he just wanted to finish going through the list of genres and then hit the bunk. He was in the "F" category now and was poking down the list. "_You may not share our intellect,_

_Which might explain your disrespect_

_For all the natural wonders that_

_Grow around you._

_So long, so long and thanks_

_For all the fish._"

Joker's finger stopped and he stared at a glowing orange word that stood out to him. "_Fanfiction_" blinked and it seemed to Joker that something was wrong in the Cerberus database. "What in Sam's hell is _Fanfiction_?" He mumbled.

"What was that, Joker?"

The young pilot jumped and moved his seat to turn around. Standing in front of him was Jacob, one of the best damn soldiers he had ever seen. Still, it scared the hell out of him how nice he could be and still know how to kill in him about 67,000 ways and counting. "I was just talking to myself," He mumbled and turned back around and clicked the highlighted button.

Jacob nodded slowly and then turned to his music player. "What are you listening to?" He questioned again.

"_ ' So Long & Thanks for All the Fish_'," He answered, scrolling down the list, "A song I found in an attachment in the Cerberus' literature database. Nothing much else to do when you're sitting up here by yourself."

"I see." He stayed quiet for a while longer and then said, "They're singing about fish?"

"Yeah, apparently dolphins are the second smartest creatures on Earth (us being the third) and they know that Earth is going to be destroyed. So, they're final words were, 'So long and thanks for all the fish.'"

One title caught his eye, "Huh, what's this?" Joker questioned, pulling Jacob away from the music. With a push of his finger, the screen changed to a new-and terrifying sight...

Okay, not as terrifying as Joker would admit, but it did seem like it was in a language he didn't understand. Upon further inspection he realized that he in fact _did_understand the language, but apparently the person writing it didn't. He raised an eyebrow and turned to Jacob, "What's fanficiton?" He asked, curiously.

Jacob blinked and then looked up at the screen, "I'm...not sure." He answered, shrugging, "Have you asked-"

"Sh!" He hissed, pushing a finger to his lip, "Don't say her name..."

"Uh...okay?" He walked closer to the seat to get a better look, "Why do you ask, out of curiosity?"

"Well, I browsing through the archives and I find a genre of writing that I've never heard of before."

"Fanfiction."

"Exactly. Only problem is that I have no clue what it is."

"Well, you know what they say: You never know until you find out."

Joker stared at Jacob and then looked back at the screen, "Alright, let's see what we got here..."

Jacob leaned against a keypad and waited for Joker to start reading. "_My Immortal: A Harry Potter Fanfiction._ Hey, wait a second, I've read that!"

Jacob seemed shocked, "Really? You seem to read a lot."

He shrugged, "Nah, not really. I just browse through really, scan over, get the feel of it. Pretty much just this boy who's a wizard fighting a dark lord for 7 books."

"Any good?" Jacob crossed his arms and looked at Joker.

"Good enough to make a holovid out of 'em."

"So, this must be about that series..."

"That would be my guess." Joker turned back to the screen and sighed, "_Chapter 1._

_AN: Special fangz-"_

"An special fangs?" Jacob snorted.

"That's the worst typo I've ever seen." Joker laughed. "_Get it, coz I'm goffik..._"

Both men were at a loss for words. "EDI..." Jacob asked, not taking his eyes off the screen, "What's _'goffik'_?"

"Is that some kind of alien race?"

The projection of a blue ball on a cylinder appeared next to where they were sitting, "I'm afraid I cannot find a match to any records about a race known as the _Goffik_, but I do have a match about a group called _Goths_, which was used as a term during the time period this tale was written. The term _Goth _was used to describe people-mainly teenagers and young adults-who are a close-knit artistic social group that desires dark and more ethereal emotions to be invoked. These emotions, such as morose; necromantic-ism; apocalyptic; sex; lust; death; and blood, held form the base from which this often misunderstood sub-culture operates from.

"The group is also described as those who contrast greatly to the mainstream society's emotions, which include optimism, safety, posing, and joy."

Joker couldn't help but laugh, "Sounds like Garrus."

"I'm sorry, Joker," A gruff voice behind them growled, "I couldn't help but overhear you. What reminds you of me?"

Joker slumped into his chair in a hope of disappearing into the leather, but her couldn't help but feel the eyes of the Tuarin glaring into the back of his seat. Jacob chuckled and shook his head, "Don't worry about it, Garrus. Want to come and read with us?"

"Depends. If it's about people that remind Joker of me, I'm not sure I want to join you." He replied, crosing his arms.

"Oh, c'mon, Garrus." Joker laughed, nervously laughed, "You know I'm just joking around."

"Riiiiight," The Tuarin walked up to stand next to the pilot. "What are we reading?"

"Fanfiction," Three voices answered.

The look of the face of the only man left out couldn't be mistaken as confusion. "Okay. And what's with the song about fish?"

"Don't ask, just listen:..." Joker demanded. "_Two my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666_-"

"Bloody tears...666?" Garrus interrupted, glancing over at EDI, expecting her to answer.

"Yeah, I think we've established that we're not going to question this story anymore." The pilot answered, Jacob nodded from behind him. "_...4 helpin me wif da story and spelling._ Well, we know who failed miserably."

"I'd hate to see the rough draft of this thing," Jacob rolled his eyes.

"What are you all doing up here?"

The three men turned to look behind them. A solarian was what stared back up at them. It took a minute for the words to sink in that Mordin, their doctor, had actually asked them a question. "Reading." They answered.

"Great pastime. Always enjoyed it. Must ask, what are we reading?"

After another long moment, two men answered, "Fanfiction."

"Fanfiction. New genre? No, never heard of it. What is it?"

They all shrugged, "No clue."

"Well, by all means, please continue. Though I hope you don't mind that I join you. Taking a break, commander's orders."

Even at the mention of the commander's name, Joker saw Garrus tense a bit. He smirked and turned back around, "Alright, but remember, Mordian, save all questions until after the chapter."

"Yes, I will remember."

After he made sure the doctor had a spot where he could hear and see, Joker continued, "_U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!_"

"I wonder what all the X's are for?"

"Maybe a page divider. Can't be sure, of course." Mordian replied to whoever asked the question.

"_Hi my name is ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)-_"

"Wow, her parents got it spot on, didn't they?" Garrus observed.

"_...with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and ic blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if you don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)._"

"I hope she's not serious," Jacob laughed, "I'm actually enjoying this."

"Who's Amy Lee?" Joker wondered.

"Pulling up picture now."

A second later, the entire audience of 4 men let out a shocked scream. Garrus tilted his head and you could see his eye twitch a litte. Jacob's mouth dropped and Joker busted out laughing at the sight, "This is who she's comparing herself too!?"

"She's...alright for a human," Mordian tried.

"She looks like she's dead!" Joker managed between fits of giggles, "Why does she want to look dead!?"

"Of course," EDI interuppted, "This is Amy Lee in one of her videos. Uploading a different picture now."

After another second, a long "Oh" rang out over the men. "That's why she wants to look like her," Jacob nodded, now finally understanding.

"Man, she's hot," Joker whistled.

"Anyway," Garrus nudged the pilot, "Keep reading."

"Alright, alright, keep your suit on." He straightened up and clicked back to the story page, "_I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie._"

"That's disgusting," Garrus grumbled.

"Incest usually brings about mutations that could be extremely fatal to unborn child." Mordain observed, making everyone simply stare at him.

"What the hell are you reading?" The voice, belonging to that of Subject Zero or "Jack", grumbled, "I could hear Joker laughing from all the way downstairs."

"Fanfiction." Everyone but her answered.

"Fanfiction has incest in it?" She questioned.

"Apparently so," Jacob muttered, turning back to the screen.

"_I'm a vampire, but my teeth are straight and white._"

"Vampires don't look like that!" Jack yelled, walking further into the cockpit and throwing a glance at the music player, "Vampires are hideous monster that suck your blood, rape, and mutilate people. What the hell is up with this shit?"

"If you were here to listen to everything else that was written," Garrus replied, "You would understand that whoever wrote this has no idea what the hell is going on in life."

"_I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwars in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth-_"

"Oh, I get it!" Jacob blurted out, causing everyone to look at him. "I remember hearing something about 'gothic' people when I was younger. She apparently spelled it wrong and put 'goffik' instead of 'gothin'."

"I don't know about you guys," Joker smirked, "But I'm beginning to consider to becoming 'goffik'." He turned back to his screen, "..._(in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today, I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow._"

"Wow, Joker, I didn't know you cross-dressed in your spare time."

By now, a large group of people had crowded around the cockpit in order to listen to Joker read. He wasn't sure who said the statement, but he did notice a sympathetic look from Thane who was standing a ways off. Samara was also there, shaking her head at the long description and Zeead and Grunt were glaring at the screen. "Who the hell is writing this shit?" Zeead demanded, "She needs to get a bullet lodged into her skull!"

"I'm going to be taking a shot in the dark here, but I think she might like that," Kelly answered, "She seems to be the kind of person who would push her image onto someone that she would get to the point where she would harm herself to make a point."

A long silence fell over the group of people. It was only broken but Grunt's true statement: "This is going to be a loooooooooooong story."

* * *

Shepherd wasn't feeling so well. She had a headache and felt like she was going to be sick. She mentally kicked herself for eating that food on Omega, but what choice did she have? She was starving, going out to face mercs, and she was always taught in school that you should never fight on an empty stomach. It was true, she was a lot more focused after a good meal and the meat was delicious...at the time. _If I got poisoned again, I swear to God I'm going to find the man who cooked the meat and show him how it feels to be fried..._

She stopped and looked around, suddenly realizing that she was all alone on the entire Crew level. She glanced at the kitchen area and noticed that Chef was not at his station, cooking with the new spices she got him. Food had been left in a pot on low to cook for a while, however. _Maybe, he left to go to the bathroom._ She thought to herself, shrugging.

She continued on to where she could always find Garrus, to see if he could remember who it was that sold her the bad meat. She stumbled over the ramp and pushed the button to open the door, "Hey, Garrus, you remember that meat I ate?" She blinked and glanced around the empty room. The buzzing from the battery was the only sound in the room. "Okay, this is weird."

Shepherd turned around and walked outside to go upstairs. If anyone knew where someone was on the ship, it would be Kelly. She was always a bit uncomfortable around her, but she was a kind girl none the less. She rubbed her stomach and leaned her head against the cool metal of the elevator wall. She sighed, shaking her head and cursing the meat vendor. The loud _Ping!_ of the elevator made her head throb and she cursed it too. _You know what? Damn everything to hell!_

But it wasn't only the _Ping!_that annoyed her. It was the laughter that came from the cockpit. It was loud and it came from more than one person. She blinked and narrowed her eyes to see Kelly throw her head back and laugh, Thane hold a chuckle behind a closed fist, Grunt grumbled something about the stupidity of humans, and then she saw the head of a Tuarin fly back in a fit of laughter. Her eyebrow rose in scared curiosity. She had never seen Garrus laugh so hard.

She stumbled a bit out of the elevator, just catching it as it closed and took slow steps across the room. The voice of the ever so loveable Joker rose above the crowd. Apparently he was saying something important, since everyone stopped laughing when he began talking. "_Well anyway, I put on some black eyesharow, black eyeliner, and some black lipstick and white foundation. Then I went. Den I gasped...................................Snake and Loopin were in da middle of da empty hall, doin it, and Dobby was watching!1_"

Shepherd's jaw dropped while everyone else roared with laughter. "What the hell is going on here!?" She yelled above the crowd.

The laughter stopped and everyone snapped to attention. Some even went out of their way to stand at attention, but most were just stood in a shocked silence. Her eyes fell onto Thane who gave a slightly embarrassed bow; Samara didn't even look at her. Legion looked around, curious as to what in the world was going on. Miranda was blushing, obviously ashamed that she was caught involved with the comotion. Garrus tried to slip into the backround, but even he couldn't escape her stare. She knew if anyone would answer her, it was him. "Well? Is anyone going to answer me?" She questioned, not taking her eyes off him.

"Sorry, Commander," Joker answered for him, "It's my fault. I found this story in the Cerberus' files and I started reading it."

Shepherd was about to say something to him when the conversation was broken by music. "_So Long and thanks for all the fish_

_So sad it should come to this_

_We tried to warn you all but oh dear?_

_You may not share out intellect_

_Which might explain your disrespect_

_For all the natural wonders that _

_Grow around you_

_So long, so long and thanks_

_For all the fish._"

Everyone fell silent until Joker chuckled softly, "I love that song."


End file.
